Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
