just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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