she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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