i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
