so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
