how can u be prego again
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
