I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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