It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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