sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
