i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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