My friends, they love my intelligence
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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