Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you didnt know i had herpes?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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