Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
