hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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