Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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