I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
