After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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