I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize