She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm getting married
To pizza
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
