Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
