She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
