I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Dick very happy bro
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
