Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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