12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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