I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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