No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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