if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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