I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
