I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
