Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
tell me about the fingering
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