My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
