i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
