I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
