You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize