you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
