We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
