I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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