I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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