Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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