i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
