My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
