I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
