i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
