i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
