whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
