Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
