GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
