wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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