My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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