Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
