so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
