so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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