Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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