My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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