The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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