it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
