Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
