I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
