So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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