Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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