my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
